why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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