I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
