Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
