I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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