I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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