Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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