oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
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