Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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