remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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