there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
