i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Randomize
