My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
