"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
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