nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
