She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
