It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
