FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
