oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
