you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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