he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
