the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
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Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
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someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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