my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
