There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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