The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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