Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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