I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
