Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
