i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
