Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
