I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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