your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
