Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
