so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
