I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
