just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Randomize
