Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
