She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
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