This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
