I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
