mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
