There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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