wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
