Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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