dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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