the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
i came on her dog
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Randomize
