We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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