He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
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