I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I want you more than these girls want KFC
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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