i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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