It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
