were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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