Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
