Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
