He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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