I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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