Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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