I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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